Compersion: THE BEST KEPT Secret Against Jealousy
Our understanding of love is wrong.
Western Society has made us believe it’s a fairy tale.
The story of two people finding their "other half," falling head over heels, and becoming each other’s everything. This might sound like a romantic idea, but it’s ultimately flawed. It leads us to believe that one person must fulfill all our needs and that our love is validated by how much we receive rather than what we give.
But the truth is: love is much bigger than that.
When my wife and I started exploring non-monogamy, I thought I understood love. We’d been together for years, built a life, and navigated the usual ups and downs. Even though we were perfectly happy, I realized that I still viewed her happiness as an extension of my own. I believed, “If my partner makes me feel good about myself, then I know they love me.”
Then as we began venturing deeper into this exciting new world, my entire perception of love changed.
I started noticing that I didn't feel jealous when she was laughing with someone else or sharing a moment of connection that didn’t involve me. Instead, I felt proud and happy. Her joy was so contagious that it magnified my own. I began to understand that love isn’t about possession or exclusivity.
It’s about connection and shared joy.
That’s when I discovered something truly profound: the joy you feel when your partner is happy, even when their happiness doesn’t come from you. And that feeling has a name: compersion.
At first glance, compersion might feel like a radical idea, especially if you’ve been taught to equate love with exclusivity. But in reality, it’s deeply rooted in empathy and the ability to see your partner as a whole person with unique needs, desires, and experiences.
1. What Compersion Really Means
Compersion isn’t just about feeling good when your partner is happy.
It’s a mindset shift about how you perceive happiness in your relationship.
Imagine your partner loves back rubs. You’re decent at giving them, but it’s never really been your thing. Now picture them receiving an incredible back rub from someone else; one that makes them melt with relaxation. Would you feel threatened?
Would you stop them and say, “No, you’re not allowed to enjoy that because it’s not coming from me”?
Of course not. You’d celebrate their joy, knowing they’re getting something they love.
That’s compersion in its simplest form. It’s the ability to delight in your partner’s happiness without letting jealousy or insecurity take center stage. In non-monogamy, this concept becomes even more profound. Watching your partner light up with someone else can feel like a celebration of everything you love about them. It’s not about competition or insecurity.
It’s about embracing their happiness and realizing it doesn’t diminish your connection.
2. The Origins of Compersion
Compersion isn’t a new concept.
The term itself emerged from the polyamorous community in the 1980s, coined by the Kerista Commune in San Francisco. They used it to describe the opposite of jealousy—the warm, empathetic joy that comes from seeing a loved one experience pleasure or connection.
However, the idea behind compersion goes back much further…
Philosophical and spiritual traditions worldwide emphasize love as a selfless act.
The Tibetan concept of mudita, finding joy in another’s happiness, shares a striking resemblance to compersion. Similarly, in non-monogamous relationships, compersion becomes a way of practicing love in its purest form:
unselfish, expansive, and rooted in trust.
3. You Start, By Letting Go
Compersion asks us to move beyond the fairy tale narrative of love.
It challenges the idea that your partner’s happiness must always come from you. This shift isn’t easy, especially in cultures that celebrate exclusivity as the ultimate proof of love.
Take jealousy, for instance.
It’s a natural response, often stemming from fear of loss or inadequacy. But compersion shows us a different way forward. Instead of focusing on what we might lose, we can focus on what our partner is gaining, and what that adds to the relationship.
When my wife and I started exploring non-monogamy, I was terrified.
The first time I saw her flirt with someone else, my mind raced with What-ifs.
What if I’m not enough?
What if she likes him more?
What if this was all a mistake?
But then I saw something unexpected: her face lit up in a way I hadn’t seen in years. She was radiant, confident, and alive. And in that moment, I realized her joy wasn’t a threat to me.
It was a reflection of the trust we’d built together.
Compersion didn’t erase my fears overnight, but it gave me a new lens to see her happiness as—
something to celebrate, not protect against.
4. Obstacles to Compersion
Learning compersion isn’t about suppressing jealousy or insecurity.
It’s about addressing them head-on. The truth is, most of us aren’t taught how to navigate emotions like jealousy or envy. One common obstacle is the fear of being “not enough.” You might wonder, What if they like someone else more than me? What if I can’t compete?
These fears are valid, but they’re rooted in comparison and scarcity.
Compersion shifts this perspective.
Instead of seeing your partner’s joy with someone else as a threat, it invites you to see it as an expansion of what you already share. Instead of asking, “What if I’m not enough?” try asking, “How great a time would I be having in their shoes right now?”
Think about the back rub analogy again.
Your partner’s enjoyment doesn’t diminish your role in their life—it adds to it. You’re the one who helped create a relationship strong enough to hold this space.
You’re the one who makes this joy possible.
5. Cultivating Compersion
Like any skill, compersion takes practice.
Start with small, intentional shifts:
Reframe Your Thoughts: The next time jealousy surfaces, ask yourself, What about this moment is making my partner happy? How can I share in their joy?
Celebrate Their Wins: Whether it’s a great date, a fun night out, or a moment of connection, acknowledge it. Your support reinforces trust and shows your partner that their happiness matters to you.
Focus on Connection: Compersion doesn’t mean ignoring your own needs. It’s about finding balance, recognizing your emotions while staying present with your partner.
The journey won’t be linear, and that’s okay.
Compersion isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress. It’s not guaranteed in every relationship, and not everyone will feel it right away.
The important thing is to be kind to yourself and avoid comparing yourself to others.
Some people may feel "embodied compersion," a deep, visceral, almost physical joy, while others might feel more neutral or even benevolent. More like a sense of calm acceptance or goodwill toward their partner’s happiness.
Both are completely valid.
The real key is creating a space where compersion can naturally grow, whether it’s through a mindset shift or simply embracing those moments of connection as they come.
Just don’t worry about rushing it.
6. The True Power of Compersion
It holds more benefits than just amazing sex.
One of the most unexpected side effects of compersion was how it made me fall in love all over again.
Seeing her through someone else’s eyes reminded me why I fell for her in the first place. Her wit, her kindness, her confidence—it was like discovering her all over again. That spark translated into our relationship. Our sex life didn’t just improve…it exploded. The trust we built, the excitement we shared, it reignited a fire I thought we’d lost.
Compersion isn’t just a tool for navigating non-monogamy.
It’s a philosophy that can transform any relationship. It teaches you to prioritize your partner’s happiness in every part of life, from the mundane to the extraordinary. For me, compersion shows up in everyday moments. When my wife has had a long day, I think about how I can support her. Sometimes that means surprising her with her favorite dinner; other times, it means stepping back and giving her space to recharge.
This practice of focusing on her joy creates a ripple effect. The more I celebrate her happiness, the more she celebrates mine.
It’s a cycle of love and appreciation that strengthens our connection.
Conclusion
Compersion asks us to reimagine love.
To see it not as something we hold tightly, but as something we share freely. It’s not about giving something up; it’s about gaining a love that’s deeper, freer, and more fulfilling.
Imagine seeing your partner’s joy as a reflection of the love and trust you’ve built together. Imagine turning jealousy into pride, fear into connection.
I’ve been there—wrestling with insecurities, questioning my worth. But compersion taught me that love isn’t a zero-sum game. When I see my wife light up, whether it’s with me or someone else, I remember why I fell in love with her in the first place.
Compersion isn’t easy, but it’s worth it. It’s not about giving something up; it’s love in its purest form: generous, expansive, and unshakable.
And honestly?
That’s the best kind of love there is.
