FIRST THREESOME? How To Find the Perfect Third.

Have a Threesome

Jan 28

So you’re ready to have a threesome?

Great! A threesome is everyone’s biggest fantasy for a reason.

It offers healthy exploration for both partners and a dynamic that’s easier to navigate than, say, polyamory or swinging. That’s why it’s usually the first stop for couples on the non-monogamy journey.

But before you start dancing down your yellow brick road, it’s important to figure out exactly what kind of threesome you’re interested in.

Are you bringing in another guy?
Another girl?
Are you single and looking to join a couple?

Being upfront and clear about what you’re looking for, is going to make your search substantially easier.
And while you’re at it, think about the vibe you’re going for.

Do you want to play with the other guy?
Does your wife want to play with the other girl?
Or do you want to keep it strictly heterosexual?
Do you want to allow full penetration?
Or soft-swapping only?

These questions are key to aligning with your partner before you even start looking for that elusive unicorn.

Once you’re both on the same page, it’s time to start your search.

1. How Compatible Are You?

Sure, a threesome is about sex, but it’s not just about sex.

Physical Attraction,
Mental Stimulation, and
Compatibility of Values—

will play a massive role in selecting your ideal playmate.

So start with the basics:

Are you physically attracted to them?

You’ll be seeing them naked, so this one’s a no-brainer. If either of you isn’t into them fully clothed, you’re definitely not going to be into them in the heat of the moment. And remember, this is a team decision. If you’re both not 100% onboard—walk away.

Next up, think about chemistry.

Is the conversation natural, or are you awkwardly forcing it?

Great communication up front leads to a relaxed vibe when the clothes come off. And trust me, the last thing you want is tension or discomfort in the middle of the fun. My wife and I love playing with people who show a genuine interest in us.

From the first message they send, if we can feel they’ve read our profile, and sent us a well-thought-out, considerate reply, that’s a great green flag right there. Also, good grammar goes a long way for me too.

I know that may sound petty, but honestly, it just shows attentiveness and care. If they care about their communication on text, chances are, they’ll be respectful when it comes to speaking in real life.

Then there’s lifestyle compatibility.

Are they single?
Married?
Experienced in non-monogamy?

Single people can be trickier, especially if it’s their first time.

Someone with experience is usually a safer bet—they know the drill and understand how to keep things fun and respectful. For your first time, we’d suggest playing with someone who has some experience. It just helps make the experience more natural, guided, and enjoyable.

And while we’re on the topic—don’t fall into the trap of unicorn hunting.

If you’re bringing in a third person, they’re not there to just “serve” your relationship or act as a disposable fantasy. A good threesome is built on equality, where everyone’s boundaries, desires, and needs are treated with care.

Nobody wants to feel like an accessory in someone else’s story.

2. Do They Respect You?

Respect is Everything.

When you invite someone into your bedroom, it’s like inviting them over for dinner. You’d want them to show up with good manners and appreciation, right? Wipe their feet at the door, chew with their mouth closed, and maybe bring a bottle of wine.

It’s the same here.

They should respect your relationship, your boundaries, and the fact that this is a shared experience, not a solo act.

When we invite another guy into our bedroom, I want him to be aware of the amazing opportunity he’s being presented with. I want him to compliment my wife, respect her boundaries, and ensure that she’s treated with the utmost admiration. Nothing turns me on more than when a guy is in awe of how lucky he is to be there.

For example, a good third knows that your partner’s comfort is key. If your wife needs a five-minute breather or wants to check in with you, that should be perfectly okay. No eye rolls. No pressure. Just good vibes all around.

What I don’t want— is to feel like I'm competing with some wannabe alpha.

That’s why I tend to steer clear of guys who describe themselves as “dominant”.

You’re not my adversary. This experience (at least for us) isn’t a cuckold type of vibe; I don’t want to compete with you or be made to feel I have to enforce that “it’s my house and I’m the boss”.

That’s just counter-productive to the enjoyment of the entire experience.

The same thing goes for check-ins.

If you want to ensure your wife is having a good time and is comfortable, then normalize asking her aloud. You don’t need to whisper to her or have some secret signal.

Saying:

“hey honey, I’m just checking in with you. How are you doing?”

Is perfectly okay.

3. Who Should You Look For?

Now comes the tricky part: finding your third.

Some people like to start with someone they already know. Maybe it’s a friend or an acquaintance who’s flirted a little. That can work, but tread carefully. Mixing threesomes with close friendships can sometimes get messy.

If strangers feel safer, apps like Feeld are great.

They’re built for this exact purpose, so you can connect with people who are already open to non-monogamy. Be upfront in your profile about what you’re looking for, but don’t make it all about sex. Show a bit of personality—what makes you fun to hang out with?

That can go a long way.

And if you’re more into meeting people in real life, check out events designed for swingers or open-minded folks. Just remember: you’re not “shopping” for a third. Don’t treat the person as a plaything for your relationship or disrespect their involvement here.

Focus on enjoying the experience, and see where the night takes you, naturally.

4. Can You Trust Them?

Trust is the foundation of any great threesome.

You’re letting someone into your bedroom, your most intimate space, and you want to ensure you know their intentions before you do. There’s a reason we refer to a third male or female partner, as unicorns.

It’s because they are mythically rare.

Imagine a single person, whose only desire is to have sex with married people for fun. With zero strings attached. That’s a pretty unique person, right?

Unfortunately, finding the right third is a learning game.

That’s why clear communication is so important. Discuss STI testing, boundaries, and expectations before anything happens. It’s also why (personally) we prefer not to play with single people.

And why, for your first time, we’d suggest you do the same thing.

Starting with an unattached person is more advanced, and requires a really solid relationship where your communication is damn near perfect. The same goes for texting. If you’re chatting beforehand, keep it in a group chat so everyone stays on the same page.

My wife and I learned this the hard way.

She once had a one-on-one chat with a single guy, and he ended up wanting a monogamous relationship with her. Awkward, right?

That’s why we prefer group chats—they keep things transparent and avoid mixed signals.

The best thing you can do is: keep the text chat to a minimum. Rather just, meet up quickly and see if there is a connection.

If you don’t feel it, it’s perfectly fine to say “no thanks” and move on.

5. Are You Really Ready for It?

If you haven’t yet, now is the time for a real conversation.

It’s never too late to cancel it, and ensure you’ve really discussed all the variables with your partner. So sit down and ask yourselves: why exactly do you want to introduce someone else into the mix?

If you’re trying to revive a stagnant relationship or fix underlying issues, this probably isn’t going to go well for you. Sometimes, there are easier ways to reignite passion, such as exploring fantasies through different mediums (like watching porn together) without needing a third person.

You want to ensure that this decision enhances your connection, not just your sex life.

So make sure you’re both truly eager for it.

CONCLUSION

At the end of the day, a threesome should be about connection and fun—not stress or drama.

Practice clear communication every step of the way, be upfront about what you want (and don’t want) to happen, and treat everyone with respect. From the first conversation to the morning goodbyes, ensure you consider everyone equally.

Your third is just as important as your partner; they are not simply a plaything for you to toss out the moment you are done with them.

Treat them with the same kind of respect you would your partner. Before, during, and most importantly, after the experience.Check-in with everyone to ensure you all felt safe, respected, and happy with the experience. Which might look like a casual cuddle, a heartfelt chat about what you all enjoyed, or just making sure no one feels left out.

The final piece of advice we can give you is:

You're going to make mistakes.

Embrace it, learn from it, and most importantly— enjoy the ride.

It's all part of the rich tapestry.

Wren Wilder