What is ENM & What Isn’t it?
We get it. ENM probably seems like
a radical new approach to relationships, right?
But the truth is, even though many may still think it’s “too out there”, it has actually been
actively practiced for centuries throughout many different cultures.
So before you judge too harshly, understand that your views on monogamy most likely
spawn either from your religious upbringing, or your parental unit.
And just like you were taught those structures, you can unlearn them.
Everywhere people are adopting new views on sex & gender, that previously seemed absurd, but are now commonplace. The next generation already doesn’t have the same views on religion, and relationships will most likely be no different.
So if you’re considering practicing ENM, know that you aren’t as radical as you may think.
You might just be ahead of the curve.
The 6 Questions Most Beginners Ask
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The 6 Questions Most Beginners Ask 〰️
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Honestly, the same way it does for unmarried couples.
The only difference being that you may need to work harder at your communication, as you navigate challenging situations like finances, children, or family responsibilities.
As a married couple, you might also carry a lot of baggage from a lifetime of challenging experiences together, and you need to first effectively communicate with each other, to address those insecurities and concerns, before exploring with additional partners.
Just like Consent, communication is, and always will be, the cornerstone of a successful ENM relationship. Any ethically non-monogamous marriage prioritizes honesty, communication, and respect for all parties involved. You and your partner, will be sharing experiences, feelings, and concerns openly and addressing any issues that arise with compassion and understanding.
ENM marriages require a high degree of trust and emotional maturity from both partners. Successful navigation of non-monogamous dynamics involves regular check-ins, renegotiating boundaries as needed, and prioritizing the well-being and happiness of each partner and the relationship as a whole.
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It all begins with honest communication & deep reflection.
Ask yourself this:
Can our relationship handle this?
These are going to be some tough conversations you’ll need to have with yourself, and with your partner.
You need to ask all the difficult questions, and then process them like an adult.
Only you know what you are & aren’t comfortable with, in your relationship. Your boundary is there, to help you separate uncomfortable emotions from your lifestyle.
It’s again, about: consent & communication.
It may be that your wife just wants to kiss another woman while you watch, or have you kiss a woman but do nothing more.
Your responsibility will be to fully discuss it beforehand, then if you’re comfortable, allow that, see how it made you feel, then evaluate it with her afterward, in a calm and relaxed setting.
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This is the same as asking: will having kids fix our relationship?
ENM is not a quick fix, nor is it about escaping difficult situations. You are exposing not just your body, but your insecurities (within yourself & your relationship).
That’s why ENM requires your relationship to be on 100% stable ground, because as they say: if there are problems in your relationship, ENM will find them.
For this reason, we highly recommend that you either see a marriage counselor, or sex expert before you fully dive in.
Also, experiment at home thoroughly. Take our Home Sex Improvement Quiz, or practice having tough conversations with our Beginners Guide to ENM, to improve your relationship.
We’re not saying this will fix your relationship, but it will definitely help you discover what’s wrong with it.
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No.
Communication is the answer.
You can fix your home sex life, just by using communication, which is why we created workbook to help you Improve Your Sex Life.
Usually when people have been partnered for a while, there tends to be a lack of sexual novelty. Things just aren’t as exciting, or new, as they once used to be. But that’s where ENM offers a great way to reintroduce novelty back into your sex life.
Having sexual relationships with other partners allows you to view sex through a new lens, and has the added benefit of reinvigorating the novelty in your primary relationship, which can (and has) been used to reignite desire in many relationships.
So, while ENM can offer reprieve from a bad sex life, it's never a surefire cure though.
What ENM will do is allow you to have better sex BECAUSE you're learning to communicate. The better you can communicate, the less scary the idea of opening up your relationship becomes, and the easier it becomes to explore your desires with your partner.
So you need to first experiment with your partner, extensively. Consider things such as role-playing, dirty texting, making a home video, BDSM, or dress-up, to first get your sex life cooking, before you add some more spice.
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This is a massive misconception when it comes to non-monogamy.
There are never big fishbowls filled with keys, where people draw a random pair and just go off with a stranger to fuck in a spare room.
The absolute epitome of ENM is consent. You don’t need to do ANYTHING, with ANYONE, that you don’t want to.
Someone approaches you at a club, and they’re not your type?
Simply say “That’s very kind of you, but no thank you”
ENM is reserved for adults who understand that rejection is a normal part of life, and don’t allow themselves to be ruled by others' expectations of what they “should” do, but rather what they “want” to do.
Also worth noting though: if you DO want to have sex with everyone, there are places for that. ENM has something for everyone: for those with high libidos, and certainly for those of us who have more normal libido levels.
It's about finding others who are similar to you - just like normal life.
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There are multiple ways to enter into an ENM relationship, but again, it honestly comes down to proper communication. You need to fully understand your desires beforehand.
What are you looking to experience?
MFM?
MFF?
Hot wifing?
Voyeurism?
Once you’ve communicated effectively & discovered what your desires are, there are many forums, websites, and apps, to help you find suitable partners.
If you’re interested in say, Swinging, a swinging club is a good place to start, as it allows you to decide how involved (or not) you want to be. There are also many websites dedicated to helping you find other swingers. Go take a look at our resources page if you need a list of all the best ones.
Apps such as Feeld or #Open are another great way of finding people interested in having non-monogamous relationships.
Go have fun chatting with other couples, learn as much as you can, and once you feel you are ready to invite someone into your relationship, have a read through our guide for first-time meetups, and what you can expect.
CONCLUSION
If you’re still feeling slightly intimidated by everything you just read,
simply remember the golden rule of ENM:
Everyone moves at the pace of the slowest person.
This means, that if one person doesn’t want to hard swap, nobody does.
It’s really about making everyone feel comfortable at all times and having a truly enjoyable time.
And of course, that all comes back to communication.
Everyone is an adult, so discuss exactly what you want (and don’t want) openly, before you start having fun.
By knowing everyone is on the same page, you can enjoy yourself fully, and
